Friday, October 7, 2011

so i quit my job. going with the flow of this sudden liberation, i am going to not use capital letters for the beginning of new sentences. to hell with formatting documents, transscripts and research about so called desirable film stars who otherwise snort cocaine but on chat shows they like using sentences like "its not about the glamour or the money"..yeah right. so what is it about? flesh? power? or worse still...fame?

anyhoo. when i was a typical small town kid, i, like other typical small town kids used to imagine how wonderful it is to be a movie star. my imagination has been duely disappointed. its full of muck, this industry. I just want to keep on dreaming about that one day, when i get to make my own film. something pointless and random, but entertaining. long way to go before that. yes. i know. i am ready to work hard and master the art of not letting my blood boil at the meaninglessness of it all.

anyway they paid me decent and i have some money to splurge. so i am going to do something useful and constructive this time. i am gonna get my hair styled.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Yes! this is the feeling

THIS feeling  I steal glances with. That which I love more than anything else. You know what I mean? certainly not.

Alright. So Paris is not happening. Why? This is the right time to ask me this question because I am drowning in and drinking from what we call blog frenzy.

So the first time I met this person (God help me if he ever happens to chance upon this path....this blog...I mean.) he'd asked me to meet him to have breakfast at some hotel on Sudder Street. And yes, I had chilly beef (God help me if my mother ever happens to chance upon this blog) and bread and bananas and sweet little plastic cups of pineapple juice. But he only once fleetingly mentioned that I should learn French if I want to work with him. Then again, between layers of conversation (which includes stories from his brutal love life) he only fleetingly mentioned that I am about to start working with him. And he asked me to get my passport done.So after breakfast was over, I thought the meeting was over. He was very very surprised when I told him I intended to leave in some time. He said we'd not talked about work yet. How true! I exclaimed, but only inside my head. On the outside, I bit my lip and did not know what to say, hence continuing to convince people that I am a pretty dumb. Not pretty perhaps, but surely dumb.

Thats what people think when you bite your lip and have nothing to say. Anyway so this person asked me to accompany him to his room. On the lift he chit chatted with a Bangladeshi couple who told him they'd been to Paris fourteen times in all. I continued biting my lip. And once the lift opened to reveal his floor, I was a little tense about going into a stranger's hotel room. Okay. Let me be honest. I was shit scared. But only till the time we reached his room. It was smelling of smoke and air conditioning. He apologized for that. I told him I smoke too. He happily offered me a maroon packet of Classic regulars and I was, in one leap, from being shit scared to overjoyed. Then he progressed to give me a spiral bounded copy of sheets; the script. After the summary and synopsis and the storyline and the plotline and the plot structure and the motivation and inspiration for making the film and the eight page long treatment, from being overjoyed, I was, in one leap, to being impressed. Then I smoked two more cigarettes and I took one from the pack and in aflourish I said "I am taking one for the taxiride" He smiled benignly and stood up, walked across from the other side and very abruptly, hugged me goodbye.

That was the first day. The second time I met him, He called me to Esplanade and we walked through the crowded lanes of new market to reach his hotel, and then his room. He treated me as a guest, again, and fed me ice-cream and cashew nuts and urged me to take a trip to Shantiniketan with him. I said no, And he hammed a lot and persisted to take me with him on this trip. I started biting my lip and smiling foolishly. He told me if it was needed, he was ready to come to my place and meet my parents to convince them to allow me to go with him. After my last firm no, he said he was okay with changing his plans for me. He asked me to spend time with him the next day, the whole day, in fact, have breakfast, lunch and dinner with him so that he could "talk about work". He also asked me to carry weed.

That was yesterday. Today, I got a call from him first thing in the morning. He asked me to reach in time for breakfast. I didn't. He saved some breakfast for me and asked me to meet him directly, in his room. I went there to find a plate full of Loochi and chilly chicken and chicken sausages and bananas. I finished everything up while he lulled around, surfing the net, changing TV channels, having a bath etc. Once I was done, he asked me to roll a joint. I did.I asked him if I could shift base to the table and sofa and he asked me to keep sitting on the bed. I was standing, he pushed me and I sat down on the bed. I was halfway through smoking the joint when I realized he was sprawled out on the bed beside me. I concentrated on the joint and the TV and offered him once or twice but he generally ignored me. Three long minutes after I'd started tripping, a little bit of the joint still left, he said he had a back ache. Then he asked to move from the bed, he took the top layer of the bedsheets and made himself a bed on the floor. He said it was hurting very bad. In the next one hour, I was attending all his phone calls, asking the receptionists what they wanted and so utterly stoned you cannot imagine. Then the staff came in asking if he needed a doctor, he said he wanted lime juice. Once the waiter was dispatched, he asked me to call for a doctor, I did. The doctor came in and throughout the whole session, addressed me like as if I was in charge. I told him I was just visiting, not staying with the patient. Then he started chit chatting with me.

Once the doctor left, the patient made trip to the bathroom and came out only in a towel. He fell down on his bed on the ground. I suddenly felt very stupid and trapped. I wanted to run away immediately. Once the waiter came in and started instructing me as to how to give the patient a massage after his hot water bath, that was when I ran out.

Yes okay. That is the reason I am not going to Paris after all. I don't feel like.
Blogging feels rather good.
Sorry for the typos. I've typed this up in a wild speedy frenzy.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

A little zonked out as it is.

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. So I am single again. How much time is it going to take me to fall madly in love and start over-obsessing about yet another guy? 
Lets see. A bloody long time. Because you see, I am a mature person who just about knows her priorities in life. And right now, that'd be finding a job. Oh dint I tell you? I quit my job; my ATM card was lost and all the money stolen. So I am jobless and broke. And I am frantically socializing with my pseudo ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. I swear, she was dancing about and commenting and liking my photos on his album and his photos in my album and because of a hot rush of blood somewhere near my brain, I added her. Voila, and we start talking and she actually emits this sort of warm soul-sisterly feeling. Because really, we have similar taste in men. And we really have something to talk about all the time. I told her my woe stories and she encouraged her guy to help in my times of distress and the guy got me weed and rolling paper and I thanked her with teary-eyed emotions for being so good to me and then she lectured me about the evils of being Dependant on weed for happiness yada yada yada. So thats why the title is what it is. I am a little zonked out per se. And then, of course, there is Paris ruling my dreams all over. I hope my passport gets done in time and the person giving me work in Paris is a real guy really making a film in Paris. You never know who turns out when to be an absolute jali  character. And the world where I have a tiny little place has millions of people making films and offering work. So I hope everything goes well with me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Happiness

is out of reach. unavailable. switched off. There is no way i can clutch the bugger with my fingers and hold it in my palm. its like quicksand. 

Friday, June 3, 2011

There was a time I used to be anti girly. I used to look colossally down upon girls with good looks, average communication skills and long shining cascading-like-a river brown hair. And because I am a brutally honest person I am going to let you know that this was all a case of frightfully sour grapes.

With due time lapse and the change of bodily shapes and hormonal chaos and yada yada yada. I ended up as someone with only web communication skills, and though not silky or cascading or brown , long hair nevertheless. And I used to be against the normal idea of talking for long hours on the phone with "a boyfriend" and I used to go eeeeks at the thought of nagging/scolding/coohcie cooing "a boyfriend". Yes. I was such a grand bland geek.

Cut to.

I actually ended a phone conversation with my "pseudo guy" (why are all the guys on my list pseudo boyfriends?). Wait that question deserves to be out in the open. out of brackets. Why have I not had a TRUE boyfriend till now? I think the last line of the last paragraph is the true answer to my question. Without blabbering further about pseudo boyfriends...I ended a phone conversation with the words " you will call me tomorrow no? what? you won't? how can you not call me? why are you so busy? you're trying to tell me you're SO busy that you can't call me?" .

Exactly. Wait. There is more in store. I was browsing through my inbox and I came across this text "Not now honey. Tomorrow I am all yours." The other day I was crying hoarse and all over the place with depression because the guy dint call me.

WHAT is the matter with me?

Please God help me. I cannot be like this. I have to change. Plus I AM pretty much a loner. I can't go crazy and shit depressed because some guy dint call me.
Am I not a true blue geek goddess? am I not the kind of person who is fond of burning all her snaps on photoshop so that she atleast looks good in pictures? Am I not that same girls who SWORE never to behave all silly and nyaka about some guy who broke her heart. And come on. SO many...and I mean SO BLOODY many guys have broken my heart already. Whats the big deal. I need to get a hold on myself is what I've been trying to say.

Ah. This feels good. Blogs are the best place to rant.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

New things.

Shifted to a new flat. Hugest flat I have had for staying since i came to Bombay some three years back. My first home was in Mahim. then Bandra then Oshiwara. Then Poonamnagar in Andheri East. After that back to Andheri West and now this. somewhere close to film city. with a proper hillock for my morning view and red polka dots on my curtain on the window of MY room. Yes. I have a room all to myself. Feels grand. Oh and the living room has black and white printed curtains and a zebra painting and a yellow ceiling lamp. Fucking awesome it feels, I am telling you.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Life

is what happens outside your window/computer when you are too busy either wallowing in self pity or shining bright with self induced arrogance or simply just so fucking tired that you are not in a position to even lift your fingers to crack the knuckles. Thats exactly how tired I am. At ten in the morning. One whole day to go before I can sleep.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The sausages

that I mentioned in the last post were, because they are no more, they were just divine. Three days of survival on cheese and sausages. I know I had a gall bladder operation just two months back, but a little bit of happiness does not kill anyone. 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Show me the way

to a loonybin. No seriously. I might be losing some few litres of sanity that my brain is really proud of and is hence clinging on to. I never ever want to write for fucking Indian Television. I was wrong all the way. Dimwits. Them all who want sexually expressive adult comedy in HINDI and are not okay with words like "intu pintu". Why the fuck are they even making shows then. why dont they stick to their star world DVDs. I hate myself and the lack of a life. and money. which I have invariably spent on things like Frooti jumbo packs and cocktail sausages.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Chasing

a happy thought. How wonderful is it to have things to look forward to. A hot glass of coffee in the morning. Or the notion of an early pack up. Or the idea of the perfect boyfriend. Quoting Bridget Jones, "it is marvelous having a boyfriend."

I don't have one. Neither do I see myself all cushioned up with one, snuggling under a cozy blanket (quilt, preferably) watching "Roman Holiday" on a lazy winter Sunday afternoon or whatever.But the idea in itself is so bleeding rosy and pink and fantastic that it becomes a happy thought on autopilot.

Hence, I shall keep chasing after happy thoughts. Its called unnecessary optimism.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Carrying forward.

The hippieness of our times, I had kababs and crabmeat and mirinda while I watched this pink and outstanding animation film about castles in the sky and suchlike. I love this space. I wouldn't care if nobody read this, I love purple and I've vowed to stick to all things purple a long long time ago. Plus I am happy. and high. And purple.

The second sordid post.

It is only natural that after designing a new blog, shifting over stuff from the old one, bearing the pain of growing up, moving over to a different comfort zone, one should come up with a shiny little something to start the blog. So this is it.

Though there is nothing much that I could say, should say, I like having a blog. As much of a pain it might be to keep staring at the screen and not have anything to write, it is rather bloody nice to go back and sift through your past on a colorful background page. And then you can install cockroach widgets and human clocks and what not and treat your blog like a pink little all lacy baby girl, which i have been dutifully doing for quite some time. The idea is, I am too busy to blog. When I am not smoking up, I am planning all about a beautiful evening when I am going to smoke up and dance naked and have chocolates and the likes. I do have a job. Which pays me money, so that I can spend all of it at one go and go without more than a hundred rupees for one whole week.

I went to Pune the other week. With no money and practically no hindsight, I decided to go and chill in Pune. I cried bucketfuls of tears to make somebody take me with him ( because I had no money of my own). Then, for two and a half days I played a housewife. I was dependent for money, for shampoo, cigarettes and other assorted things which are a direct result of carrying cash on you ( which I wasn't). Then in a fit of rage, I did some angry things like throwing expensive electronic goods (like my own camera) at people and in return had them emptying Coke bottles on me. Then I slept and had magical dreams about free access to the internet, only to wake up and have free access, to the internet. Then I found out I have over fifty three odd people on my Facebook friendlist who I know/remember nothing about. I keep chatting with them pretending to know exactly who they are but in reality, I am just passing the time. Then I play these little self back patting games with myself in terms of congratulation for having completed twenty six minutes of a conversation with a stranger who is also a Facebook friendlisted friend.

I think thats enough for now. I need to go and have something sweet or apply nail polish on my toenails or something.

Sort of something.

Instead of being all gawky eyed and drunk with anticipation, its better to vent it all out.