A little zonked out as it is.

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. So I am single again. How much time is it going to take me to fall madly in love and start over-obsessing about yet another guy? 

Lets see. A bloody long time. Because you see, I am a mature person who just about knows her priorities in life. And right now, that'd be finding a job. Oh dint I tell you? I quit my job; my ATM card was lost and all the money stolen. So I am jobless and broke. And I am frantically socializing with my pseudo ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. I swear, she was dancing about and commenting and liking my photos on his album and his photos in my album and because of a hot rush of blood somewhere near my brain, I added her. Voila, and we start talking and she actually emits this sort of warm soul-sisterly feeling. Because really, we have similar taste in men. And we really have something to talk about all the time. I told her my woe stories and she encouraged her guy to help in my times of distress and the guy got me weed and rolling paper and I thanked her with teary-eyed emotions for being so good to me and then she lectured me about the evils of being Dependant on weed for happiness yada yada yada. So thats why the title is what it is. I am a little zonked out per se. And then, of course, there is Paris ruling my dreams all over. I hope my passport gets done in time and the person giving me work in Paris is a real guy really making a film in Paris. You never know who turns out when to be an absolute jali  character. And the world where I have a tiny little place has millions of people making films and offering work. So I hope everything goes well with me.

Happiness

is out of reach. unavailable. switched off. There is no way i can clutch the bugger with my fingers and hold it in my palm. its like quicksand. 

There was a time I used to be anti girly. I used to look colossally down upon girls with good looks, average communication skills and long shining cascading-like-a river brown hair. And because I am a brutally honest person I am going to let you know that this was all a case of frightfully sour grapes.

With due time lapse and the change of bodily shapes and hormonal chaos and yada yada yada. I ended up as someone with only web communication skills, and though not silky or cascading or brown , long hair nevertheless. And I used to be against the normal idea of talking for long hours on the phone with "a boyfriend" and I used to go eeeeks at the thought of nagging/scolding/coohcie cooing "a boyfriend". Yes. I was such a grand bland geek.

Cut to.

I actually ended a phone conversation with my "pseudo guy" (why are all the guys on my list pseudo boyfriends?). Wait that question deserves to be out in the open. out of brackets. Why have I not had a TRUE boyfriend till now? I think the last line of the last paragraph is the true answer to my question. Without blabbering further about pseudo boyfriends...I ended a phone conversation with the words " you will call me tomorrow no? what? you won't? how can you not call me? why are you so busy? you're trying to tell me you're SO busy that you can't call me?" .

Exactly. Wait. There is more in store. I was browsing through my inbox and I came across this text "Not now honey. Tomorrow I am all yours." The other day I was crying hoarse and all over the place with depression because the guy dint call me.

WHAT is the matter with me?

Please God help me. I cannot be like this. I have to change. Plus I AM pretty much a loner. I can't go crazy and shit depressed because some guy dint call me.

Am I not a true blue geek goddess? am I not the kind of person who is fond of burning all her snaps on photoshop so that she atleast looks good in pictures? Am I not that same girls who SWORE never to behave all silly and nyaka about some guy who broke her heart. And come on. SO many...and I mean SO BLOODY many guys have broken my heart already. Whats the big deal. I need to get a hold on myself is what I've been trying to say.

Ah. This feels good. Blogs are the best place to rant.